June 27, 2008

Register columnist writes book on building successful marriage

Fran Rajotte, Tennessee Register

In marriage, we are not alone. Our lives and love stories connect us to our spouse. This is one of the themes John Bosio weaves into his new book, “Happy Together: The Catholic Blueprint for a Loving Marriage.”

In his book, Bosio addresses topics such as attentiveness and truthfulness, forgiveness, comfort, healing, making room for another in one’s life, welcoming and acceptance, drawing on the experiences of he and his wife, Teri, and other couples that have touched his life.

“‘Happy Together’ is a personal journey toward understanding what marriage means to a Christian,” said Bosio. “It is my hope and prayer that reading it will bring growth and joy to your own relationship.”

Bosio, who writes a monthly column for the Tennessee Register titled “Faithful Marriages,” is a former family therapist, an adjunct faculty member at Aquinas Primetime College, and a global human resources manager for Caterpillar Financial. The following is an excerpt from an interview with him about his book.

Question: What or who encouraged you to write this book? 

Bosio: Writing this book has been a hobby and a passion for the past 10 years. Having left the field of family therapy to pursue a career in the corporate world, I decided that I wanted to continue my contributions to marriages and families through writing.

Over the years of working for the Catholic church, first as a director of religious education, then as family life coordinator for the Archdiocese of Kansas City in Kansas, and finally as a family therapist for several parishes, I gained experience and knowledge that I wanted to share..

Question: What are you hoping this book will accomplish in the lives of your readers?

Bosio: I hope that this book will help the reader understand that Christian marriage is a lifestyle, a way of living that is modeled after Christ. Our success in finding happiness in marriage depends on our ability to learn from Christ to love each other and to ask God for the courage to do so.

Question: Where did you get most of the material for this book?

Bosio: The research for the book started with reading a wide variety of materials on relationships and marriage. Then I zeroed in on our Catholic tradition and the wisdom contained in the beliefs we pass on from generation to generation.

There is a lot of wisdom in the Church’s teachings. These are often overlooked because they are dressed in a language that is difficult to read. I tried to make this language readable to the average person picking up the book.

In addition I have tried to apply these teachings to real life situations through stories, which is what makes the book easy to read.

Question: Who should read the book, those entering into marriage or all married couples?

Bosio: This book is for all couples, but I would recommend it especially for couples preparing for marriage and for young married couples just getting started. In fact, the book would make a great gift by parishes to a couple getting married.

In this book I have shared many stories from my own marriage that while they make us smile today, were painful learning moments for Teri and me when they happened.

Question: What is the percentage of marriages that survive in today’s society?

Bosio: The statistics on marriage today paint a picture of a changing social landscape.  The yearly number of divorces has decreased during the past eight years, but so has the number of couples getting married. 

On the other hand, more couples are living together outside of marriage, and more are postponing getting married. 

Unfortunately, the idea of preparing for marriage by living together does not work. All the research on cohabitation shows consistently that couples who live together before marriage face a significantly higher chance of getting divorced.

Question: Do you think children of divorced parents find it difficult committing to marriage themselves?

Bosio: Yes, definitely, because they are afraid of repeating the mistakes of their parents. All the research points to the fact that children of divorce suffer, even into their adulthood, because of their parents’ divorce. When they marry, they start with the premise based on their own experience that marriage is not forever.

Question: According to researchers, you state in your book that 69 percent of all marital conflicts are not resolvable. If they are correct, how do the many married couples who survive manage to do so?

Bosio: The research comes from the work of John Gottman, Ph.D., and is reported in the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” What John Gottman says is that couples who succeed are those who can figure out how to live with their differences. It is important to learn to respect each other’s differences, learn to compromise, to agree to disagree, and to tolerate each other’s idiosyncrasies.

Question: What can you say about your personal struggles in a relationship and about the choices we make?

Bosio: The key theme throughout the book is that many of our personal struggles come from the poor choices we make, and these are often caused by our selfishness.

Overcoming selfishness does wonders for a marriage, and we Christians have God’s grace on our side, if we just let it help us. I shared some of our personal struggles in the book.

Question: What role does respect, understanding, graciousness, and forgiveness play in a marital relationship?

Bosio: All of these are key qualities for a happy marriage. Without respect, understanding, and forgiveness, a relationship cannot grow. “Happy Together” addresses each of these in these different chapters.

Question: Who served as a role model of a good marriage in your own life?

Bosio: The role models for the idea of marriage described in “Happy Together” were primarily my parents and grandparents. They had their difficulties, but I saw them resolving them. I saw them help each other in moments of difficulty, and I saw them pray together.

Question: Do your children listen to your advice on marriage?

Bosio: I like to think so. I was recently touched to learn that my daughter and son-in-law have been reading from the book each night and discussing what they read.

Question: What is the best advice you can give to couples today contemplating marriage?

Bosio: That is a tough question because most couples contemplating marriage are seldom seeking advice. Many assume they know what they need to know and the feelings they have for each other will carry them through the rough patches. 

To answer your question I would say: Put God in your relationship and practice your faith; pray for each other; and participate in the marriage preparation program available through your diocese.

Question: How do you use your talents and gifts in family ministry at your parish, St. Stephen Catholic Community in Old Hickory?

Bosio: Teri and I have volunteered as marriage preparation team members and have lead retreats and marriage enrichment workshops for couples. We want to continue this ministry and are available to speak to groups about marriage around the diocese.

Question: Where is the book being sold? Will there be a signing? Is it available now?

Bosio: The book is being sold through Twenty Third Publications, on line: www.twentythirdpublications.com. It is also available at St. Mary’s Bookstore in Nashville where I will hold a book signing on Sept. 14. The book can also be purchased on Amazon.com.

To have John and Teri Bosio to lead a marriage workshop at your parish, email them at JBosio1@aol.com. To learn more about the book, visit the website: www.happy-together.net.